Monday, April 30, 2007


Why is it when you see your ex at a bar, they have to act all weird? Ok. Sure we're not dating, ok sure YOU ran MY heart through a strainer and laughed. Ok, yea I may have been better than the best you've ever had, treated you like a person instead of trash, been loving, caring, and over all too devoted and interested in you than you deserved... but come on. Why act like a deer in head lights when I'm holding Sam's hand in public?

Yes you hurt me, but you didn't kill me, so don't grab Yenta and take off. Stay, say hi, act like a human. Why am I wasting my time, you're odd and you'll never get it.

There is a reason you're the ex and she's the current. So.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Welcome back...

After only a few days, I get a text from a random number. I know its her because well, I just do. So I open it and we chat for a bit, she is killing my buzz and I let her know. The conversation goes towards crazy things, I talk, she talks... and it comes down to my saying "If you miss me, ask me to a movie and don't stay for a week and freak yourself out". So, she asks me to a movie, I say sure, we meet for coffee. She wants to know if things will be weird, just as a starting point. and I tell her it won't. She says she wants to keep seeing me, we talk. Things won't be any less complicated. She's willing to be more open and unafraid of the idea of being with someone (i.e. caring for someone, loving [gasp!] someone), I'll be less insecure... and we won't be exclusive. This is an issue for me, she doesn't want anyone else, but she wants the oppertunity, I tell her if she starts seeing someone I'm taking off. This is hard for me, because well, I like her... so.

When on the "road to somewhere" (which is where relationships sometimes go, i.e. the chain of events that leads to a commited relationship...) there need to be road signs, or stops for the travelor weary of commitment. There are speed limits, scenic outlooks and basically years until she's ready. Either way, amazing woman... god.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

F*ck this book

Everyone should have this book in their homes. It sits on my living room table, and people pick it up and thumb through it, and laugh... and if you're my mother you scoff in terror.

But, check out the site,

This pic is only to peak your interest and is a link sorta thing, not mine, not mine, NOT MINE.

Order some stickers and take them out and fuck whatever you want.

This sign is mine, its at the corner of Summit and 5th.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Saturday Night Mistake

Would you consider 21 drinks a mistake?

Saturday would include, 12 beers, an entire pitcher of strawberry margaritas, 4 martinis and 2 amaretto sours.
Sunday would include, 1 massive headache, 1 call off day from work, and 3 hours of retail therapy.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Bad day, ok pictures

Sometimes a bad day can yeild really nice pictures.

Sadness man

The reason for many of these posts has decided that she can no long play the muse in my little one man show. I'm almost positive why, and I'm to the point of hurt numbness that I don't care. (This is momentary). I lapsed into some kind of immature, terrifying version of myself circa 2000 when I was a child (practically) and became amazingly co-dependant. This is SCARY. Not in a leechy way, and I must say, excuse me Miss "I'm too scared to fall in love, so I'll run away instead" some of us have an ability to fall, hard, fast and happily.

OH, god barf.

Flowers die too. Today is a great day... ha.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Train Spotting

Is there a point to letting my guard down if there is no appreciable conclusion/result in sight? This is not to say I can see the future, she may love me yet, but for now, let us assume I'm correct in my thought process. If nothing will happen beside the new found nakedness of my soul and mind, where is the positive aspect? I know that you should live without fear, but I'm human, it is our nature to fear what we don't/can't understand. Its so hard to live with the passion I expect to see in others and that is disapointing in an enternal way. I claim to want to change the world. I want to bring some form of thinking, be part of something that will matter, but in the present truth I'm too terrified to live. I'm always biulding the same safety nets. I'm always seeming insecure to protect myself. Especially in love, especially now.

The question stands, can I date someone who is emotionally uninvolved in my life? Someone who I have almost no hope of ever feeling reciprocal love from, with good reason I suppose, but none the less disapointingly unreciprocal.

Trying to push myself past this idea has almost broken me. To be completely honest I don't want this woman to go anywhere, but on the other hand if she took off I would be relieved in a way I'm ashamed to admit. I'm sure that realization doesn't bother her, but it drives me insane. I don't want to feel like I can't do something. I'm fighting a losing battle everyday of my life, in more than one way. Life itself is a losing battle, but we don't just lay down in front of a train the day we're born in remorse for simply coming into being. So, in theory I should apply that concept here. I can't lay down and prepare for locomotion just because this is difficult.

The fact that I'm checking train schedules, makes me doubt my own passion, my own motivation. I'm in a way saying "When I signed up for this, you seemed willing (if not eager), interested and readable". Coming to find that she is none of those things (minus the occasional eager moment of interest) shouldn't ring my flight bell in the way it has. I've always said if you can't stand strong in your convictions then you shouldn't claim to believe them in the first place. I first and foremost believe in the beauty of life, of love, of loss... and all the nessasary pains and heartships that come with the privalage of breathing.

Over all the lack of ability to deal is a big stop gap. The world is full of this discusting amount of amazing things. There is never a dull, unappreciable moment in a life, everything that you are is everything that has happened to, around and in you. So, what has happened to me, around me, or in me to stop me... from letting this guard down? (I should also raise the question to myself, about whether or not this is particular to the situation I find myself in).

She has flattered me to no end. Telling me about things that no one else knows, and no matter how she makes it known that those happenings are "pertinent" to our thing, I still find myself flattered. She is amazingly gorgeous in so many ways and I enjoy every single quirk that comes up, every little OCD-esque moment is a tiny bit of wonderful (God knows I have enough of my own). I could listen to her talk for hours, about whatever she wanted to say, she grew up so far away from how I did, everything we've known is completely different. Her relationships in life, her past, everything is so poetic and strong, everything she does is so, stoic. (Who am I to try and stop that?). The question stands now: Can I live with it? Or better yet, is she at all willing to let me in that 10ft radius she's drawn around her heart? I don't know, and that is terrifying.

I'm train spotting as we speak, having been informed of my distracting presence in text messages, I find myself wondering about the harshness of her words and the sweetness of this morning's kiss goodbye. In the mornings when we wake up, she's so soft and open but only for a few moments and I swim in those, and revel in the fact that there is a tiny soft spot forming where the idea of my being lives in her. She finds small ways to tell me what she thinks, how she feels and sometimes I feel connected, which almost makes up for the other 80% of time I spend writhing with anticipation she'll turn to me and say "I just can't" and be gone.

I don't want her to go but I want her gone. I don't want to lose but I'm too afraid to fight. I don't want to give up because I would have to give in.

I cannot lose simply because I fear the idea of the fight.

If this is at all worth it, I have to give in. Now to find my footing, to find anything concrete in her cryptic actions and words, which I'm sure I'm making sound much less loving than they are. I know she cares in the way she is, the way she holds my hand the way she leans on me or tells me I'm crazy. She knows exactly how I feel, minus one tiny thing: I'm willing to let my guard down a bit, but I want anything in return. I need her to write me out an EOB, if I don't launch myself onto the tracks, I'll get this, this and this in return. I don't care what the reward is, a smile is enough. Just to know I can be free of this restricting wall I've biult and still stand interesting and important in her eyes... In a perfect world, maybe I would get a few feet, a yard. In a perfect world I would be much more willing and she much less hurt, and that is the world I'm trying to create from scratch in every moment of softness these mornings can muster.

In every "I'm sorry", every "Goodbye", every "Thank you" she says so much more for herself than she can imagine. And I know what I can see in her eyes, her willingness to check the trains, to know when and where I may jump, to spot me while I demolish this wall is questionable. But without ever knowing, imagine all the beauty I could have wasted. How much happiness I could be over looking in my fear, imagine how badly I could be mis-reading her, for the better and not the worse. I adore her in a way I possibly shouldn't and right now I couldn't care less about the 11 o'clock train.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Topping it off

"If they were intrested it wouldn't matter."
"Who needs oxygen?"
"I thought it was cute and saved it."

Why does she have to stand 15ft away and toss these little cute things my way. EERRRRG.

I worry too much. I have a good thing, now I'm off to not waste it. God.