Train Spotting

Is there a point to letting my guard down if there is no appreciable conclusion/result in sight? This is not to say I can see the future, she may love me yet, but for now, let us assume I'm correct in my thought process. If nothing will happen beside the new found nakedness of my soul and mind, where is the positive aspect? I know that you should live without fear, but I'm human, it is our nature to fear what we don't/can't understand. Its so hard to live with the passion I expect to see in others and that is disapointing in an enternal way. I claim to want to change the world. I want to bring some form of thinking, be part of something that will matter, but in the present truth I'm too terrified to live. I'm always biulding the same safety nets. I'm always seeming insecure to protect myself. Especially in love, especially now.

The question stands, can I date someone who is emotionally uninvolved in my life? Someone who I have almost no hope of ever feeling reciprocal love from, with good reason I suppose, but none the less disapointingly unreciprocal.

Trying to push myself past this idea has almost broken me. To be completely honest I don't want this woman to go anywhere, but on the other hand if she took off I would be relieved in a way I'm ashamed to admit. I'm sure that realization doesn't bother her, but it drives me insane. I don't want to feel like I can't do something. I'm fighting a losing battle everyday of my life, in more than one way. Life itself is a losing battle, but we don't just lay down in front of a train the day we're born in remorse for simply coming into being. So, in theory I should apply that concept here. I can't lay down and prepare for locomotion just because this is difficult.

The fact that I'm checking train schedules, makes me doubt my own passion, my own motivation. I'm in a way saying "When I signed up for this, you seemed willing (if not eager), interested and readable". Coming to find that she is none of those things (minus the occasional eager moment of interest) shouldn't ring my flight bell in the way it has. I've always said if you can't stand strong in your convictions then you shouldn't claim to believe them in the first place. I first and foremost believe in the beauty of life, of love, of loss... and all the nessasary pains and heartships that come with the privalage of breathing.

Over all the lack of ability to deal is a big stop gap. The world is full of this discusting amount of amazing things. There is never a dull, unappreciable moment in a life, everything that you are is everything that has happened to, around and in you. So, what has happened to me, around me, or in me to stop me... from letting this guard down? (I should also raise the question to myself, about whether or not this is particular to the situation I find myself in).

She has flattered me to no end. Telling me about things that no one else knows, and no matter how she makes it known that those happenings are "pertinent" to our thing, I still find myself flattered. She is amazingly gorgeous in so many ways and I enjoy every single quirk that comes up, every little OCD-esque moment is a tiny bit of wonderful (God knows I have enough of my own). I could listen to her talk for hours, about whatever she wanted to say, she grew up so far away from how I did, everything we've known is completely different. Her relationships in life, her past, everything is so poetic and strong, everything she does is so, stoic. (Who am I to try and stop that?). The question stands now: Can I live with it? Or better yet, is she at all willing to let me in that 10ft radius she's drawn around her heart? I don't know, and that is terrifying.

I'm train spotting as we speak, having been informed of my distracting presence in text messages, I find myself wondering about the harshness of her words and the sweetness of this morning's kiss goodbye. In the mornings when we wake up, she's so soft and open but only for a few moments and I swim in those, and revel in the fact that there is a tiny soft spot forming where the idea of my being lives in her. She finds small ways to tell me what she thinks, how she feels and sometimes I feel connected, which almost makes up for the other 80% of time I spend writhing with anticipation she'll turn to me and say "I just can't" and be gone.

I don't want her to go but I want her gone. I don't want to lose but I'm too afraid to fight. I don't want to give up because I would have to give in.


I cannot lose simply because I fear the idea of the fight.



If this is at all worth it, I have to give in. Now to find my footing, to find anything concrete in her cryptic actions and words, which I'm sure I'm making sound much less loving than they are. I know she cares in the way she is, the way she holds my hand the way she leans on me or tells me I'm crazy. She knows exactly how I feel, minus one tiny thing: I'm willing to let my guard down a bit, but I want anything in return. I need her to write me out an EOB, if I don't launch myself onto the tracks, I'll get this, this and this in return. I don't care what the reward is, a smile is enough. Just to know I can be free of this restricting wall I've biult and still stand interesting and important in her eyes... In a perfect world, maybe I would get a few feet, a yard. In a perfect world I would be much more willing and she much less hurt, and that is the world I'm trying to create from scratch in every moment of softness these mornings can muster.

In every "I'm sorry", every "Goodbye", every "Thank you" she says so much more for herself than she can imagine. And I know what I can see in her eyes, her willingness to check the trains, to know when and where I may jump, to spot me while I demolish this wall is questionable. But without ever knowing, imagine all the beauty I could have wasted. How much happiness I could be over looking in my fear, imagine how badly I could be mis-reading her, for the better and not the worse. I adore her in a way I possibly shouldn't and right now I couldn't care less about the 11 o'clock train.