Wordy Blunder

As I've said I don't understand dating. I can't fathom the reasons for the labeling, the subtle differences between the stat(i), the way people can even fucking do this... yes. So last night, I went over to the Ladies residence to watch House. We had dinner, we talked and laughed and over all we always have this amazing chemistry. Basically, I'm picking up what shes putting down and we do this well.

Seeing as the lady lives on a property with a barn she had to do the whole "get horses ready to sleep" thing; feed them, tell them a bity story and tuck them in. This has a time frame and with the begining of aformentioned frame of being coming up quickly, fate would find me very interested in only her and I would say she was feeling the same way.

That, is when it happened. It, it popped into my mind. That little phrase which has been wizzing around my mind since I was 5 and started looking for my Prince(ss) Charming. Have you ever had this happen? Now keep in mind we've only been "dating" (abhorent label) for about 2 weeks. This consists of like 8 dates and a few sleep overs. ;)

I've had a serious tendancy to say stupid things around this girl, so in warning I say "I have the stupidest thought in my head".

Curiosity peaking, she wants to know and we go back and forth for a while until I don't quite say it, but its there. Word explosion. I wanted to say "I think I could love you". As in the FUTURE tense, but in the panic it was assumed as a current thing, which in a way is true. I admire Sam for everything she is, everything she isn't and everything she will be someday. She is amazing and makes me feel alive in a definate and lovely way. But, I wouldn't consider this love, and there is a huge big looming yet to be put after that sentiment.

There is a slightly dumbfounded moment where her roommate comes home = conversation over. She tells me quickly that its an endearing thought and that I shouldn't be hurt. SHOULDN'T BE HURT? I threw myself WAY out there and got REJECTED. What is there other than hurt? She tells me that "I love you" isn't something she says, its just not. So trying to suck it up, I help her say g'night to the equine folks and she is normal, and kisses me, and talking to me, seems unphazed (dare I say flattered?). The girl in me just can't shut up so pushing the subject further I come to find that she's just as scared as I am, just as scared as I've been making known. So with a generalized terror amoung us, I begin second guessing staying the night, staying around... ego deflation is not something with which I deal well, at all.

She takes me out to see the horse I'm in love with. He is so sweet and comes up to the gate and chats with us letting me pet his nose. (I heart him!) Sam and I look at the stars, I tell her I'm leaving. She asks me to stay and I'm back to wondering what the hell is going on. I tell her I'm MORTIFIED. She calls me silly, brushes my hair away from my face, kisses me (in the most sincere way) and tells me not to be embarassed. This girl is so confusing.

Inside we lay down to go to bed and I have to keep talking it over. If I had been alone I would have driven my car all over Ohio smoking cloves and screaming at the moon. But instead, I was in a bed with someone I'm tres fond of, feeling foolish and very blue. She holding me, tells me just how okay it is. I cry in the typically girly style feeling alone, scared, lost and cherished all at the same time. Explaining herself isn't something Sam does with ease. It must be prompted and drug out. Which is fine, I like to dig and get to know someone, there is a great sense of adventure in unearthing someone.

She shares with me, which is amazing and tremedously out of character. She really is just as afraid as I am. She's afraid she's too damaged, too detached, I got the distinct feeling of terror at not being able to love. I ask her if this is dissapointing, she is truthful, and I am more truthful in return than I ever have been. I tell her I won't ever be less intense, less needy, less confused, she tells me that its those qualities she enjoys most.

I tell her that I want to get in. We talk about being in, we talking about falling and about my shame and her terror. I cry for the sheer unfairness of it all is too much to deal with. I want to give her back the ability to feel I say, she tells me she hopes I can, she likes my intensity. Admires how I can throw myself out there, I know I'll only live once and I have to make the most of everything. Even if its means mortifying myself and landing face down on the concrete.

So bloody lip and all we discuss past love, heartache, terror... truths. Milling over details about promises that could have never been kept, agreeing to never promise anything we can't come through on. I promise to never hurt her intentionally and she does the same, smiling. I feel a little better, she's not terrified and my word explosion didn't ruin anything. She wants me around, she wants to be around and she wants to see. Now, its up to me to fight and make her feel as much "good" as possible, and to hold her, and listen to her, and be there for her. We're trying in no uncertain terms.

Sleep really didn't come, last night was spent on more entertaining activities like chatting about my girliness and making out. And in the end Sam gave me something of herself last night, showed me a trust and endearment that goes far beyond words, even if they are those words considered to be the trifecta of life : I love you.