Why is it when you see your ex at a bar, they have to act all weird? Ok. Sure we're not dating, ok sure YOU ran MY heart through a strainer and laughed. Ok, yea I may have been better than the best you've ever had, treated you like a person instead of trash, been loving, caring, and over all too devoted and interested in you than you deserved... but come on. Why act like a deer in head lights when I'm holding Sam's hand in public?
Yes you hurt me, but you didn't kill me, so don't grab Yenta and take off. Stay, say hi, act like a human. Why am I wasting my time, you're odd and you'll never get it.
There is a reason you're the ex and she's the current. So.
Yea.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Welcome back...
After only a few days, I get a text from a random number. I know its her because well, I just do. So I open it and we chat for a bit, she is killing my buzz and I let her know. The conversation goes towards crazy things, I talk, she talks... and it comes down to my saying "If you miss me, ask me to a movie and don't stay for a week and freak yourself out". So, she asks me to a movie, I say sure, we meet for coffee. She wants to know if things will be weird, just as a starting point. and I tell her it won't. She says she wants to keep seeing me, we talk. Things won't be any less complicated. She's willing to be more open and unafraid of the idea of being with someone (i.e. caring for someone, loving [gasp!] someone), I'll be less insecure... and we won't be exclusive. This is an issue for me, she doesn't want anyone else, but she wants the oppertunity, I tell her if she starts seeing someone I'm taking off. This is hard for me, because well, I like her... so.
When on the "road to somewhere" (which is where relationships sometimes go, i.e. the chain of events that leads to a commited relationship...) there need to be road signs, or stops for the travelor weary of commitment. There are speed limits, scenic outlooks and basically years until she's ready. Either way, amazing woman... god.
When on the "road to somewhere" (which is where relationships sometimes go, i.e. the chain of events that leads to a commited relationship...) there need to be road signs, or stops for the travelor weary of commitment. There are speed limits, scenic outlooks and basically years until she's ready. Either way, amazing woman... god.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
F*ck this book
Everyone should have this book in their homes. It sits on my living room table, and people pick it up and thumb through it, and laugh... and if you're my mother you scoff in terror.
But, check out the site, http://www.fuckthiswebsite.com/
This pic is only to peak your interest and is a link sorta thing, not mine, not mine, NOT MINE.
Order some stickers and take them out and fuck whatever you want.
This sign is mine, its at the corner of Summit and 5th.
But, check out the site, http://www.fuckthiswebsite.com/
This pic is only to peak your interest and is a link sorta thing, not mine, not mine, NOT MINE.
Order some stickers and take them out and fuck whatever you want.
This sign is mine, its at the corner of Summit and 5th.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Saturday Night Mistake
Would you consider 21 drinks a mistake?
Saturday would include, 12 beers, an entire pitcher of strawberry margaritas, 4 martinis and 2 amaretto sours.
Sunday would include, 1 massive headache, 1 call off day from work, and 3 hours of retail therapy.
Saturday would include, 12 beers, an entire pitcher of strawberry margaritas, 4 martinis and 2 amaretto sours.
Sunday would include, 1 massive headache, 1 call off day from work, and 3 hours of retail therapy.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Sadness man
The reason for many of these posts has decided that she can no long play the muse in my little one man show. I'm almost positive why, and I'm to the point of hurt numbness that I don't care. (This is momentary). I lapsed into some kind of immature, terrifying version of myself circa 2000 when I was a child (practically) and became amazingly co-dependant. This is SCARY. Not in a leechy way, and I must say, excuse me Miss "I'm too scared to fall in love, so I'll run away instead" some of us have an ability to fall, hard, fast and happily.
OH, god barf.
Flowers die too. Today is a great day... ha.
OH, god barf.
Flowers die too. Today is a great day... ha.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Train Spotting
Is there a point to letting my guard down if there is no appreciable conclusion/result in sight? This is not to say I can see the future, she may love me yet, but for now, let us assume I'm correct in my thought process. If nothing will happen beside the new found nakedness of my soul and mind, where is the positive aspect? I know that you should live without fear, but I'm human, it is our nature to fear what we don't/can't understand. Its so hard to live with the passion I expect to see in others and that is disapointing in an enternal way. I claim to want to change the world. I want to bring some form of thinking, be part of something that will matter, but in the present truth I'm too terrified to live. I'm always biulding the same safety nets. I'm always seeming insecure to protect myself. Especially in love, especially now.
The question stands, can I date someone who is emotionally uninvolved in my life? Someone who I have almost no hope of ever feeling reciprocal love from, with good reason I suppose, but none the less disapointingly unreciprocal.
Trying to push myself past this idea has almost broken me. To be completely honest I don't want this woman to go anywhere, but on the other hand if she took off I would be relieved in a way I'm ashamed to admit. I'm sure that realization doesn't bother her, but it drives me insane. I don't want to feel like I can't do something. I'm fighting a losing battle everyday of my life, in more than one way. Life itself is a losing battle, but we don't just lay down in front of a train the day we're born in remorse for simply coming into being. So, in theory I should apply that concept here. I can't lay down and prepare for locomotion just because this is difficult.
The fact that I'm checking train schedules, makes me doubt my own passion, my own motivation. I'm in a way saying "When I signed up for this, you seemed willing (if not eager), interested and readable". Coming to find that she is none of those things (minus the occasional eager moment of interest) shouldn't ring my flight bell in the way it has. I've always said if you can't stand strong in your convictions then you shouldn't claim to believe them in the first place. I first and foremost believe in the beauty of life, of love, of loss... and all the nessasary pains and heartships that come with the privalage of breathing.
Over all the lack of ability to deal is a big stop gap. The world is full of this discusting amount of amazing things. There is never a dull, unappreciable moment in a life, everything that you are is everything that has happened to, around and in you. So, what has happened to me, around me, or in me to stop me... from letting this guard down? (I should also raise the question to myself, about whether or not this is particular to the situation I find myself in).
She has flattered me to no end. Telling me about things that no one else knows, and no matter how she makes it known that those happenings are "pertinent" to our thing, I still find myself flattered. She is amazingly gorgeous in so many ways and I enjoy every single quirk that comes up, every little OCD-esque moment is a tiny bit of wonderful (God knows I have enough of my own). I could listen to her talk for hours, about whatever she wanted to say, she grew up so far away from how I did, everything we've known is completely different. Her relationships in life, her past, everything is so poetic and strong, everything she does is so, stoic. (Who am I to try and stop that?). The question stands now: Can I live with it? Or better yet, is she at all willing to let me in that 10ft radius she's drawn around her heart? I don't know, and that is terrifying.
I'm train spotting as we speak, having been informed of my distracting presence in text messages, I find myself wondering about the harshness of her words and the sweetness of this morning's kiss goodbye. In the mornings when we wake up, she's so soft and open but only for a few moments and I swim in those, and revel in the fact that there is a tiny soft spot forming where the idea of my being lives in her. She finds small ways to tell me what she thinks, how she feels and sometimes I feel connected, which almost makes up for the other 80% of time I spend writhing with anticipation she'll turn to me and say "I just can't" and be gone.
I don't want her to go but I want her gone. I don't want to lose but I'm too afraid to fight. I don't want to give up because I would have to give in.
I cannot lose simply because I fear the idea of the fight.
If this is at all worth it, I have to give in. Now to find my footing, to find anything concrete in her cryptic actions and words, which I'm sure I'm making sound much less loving than they are. I know she cares in the way she is, the way she holds my hand the way she leans on me or tells me I'm crazy. She knows exactly how I feel, minus one tiny thing: I'm willing to let my guard down a bit, but I want anything in return. I need her to write me out an EOB, if I don't launch myself onto the tracks, I'll get this, this and this in return. I don't care what the reward is, a smile is enough. Just to know I can be free of this restricting wall I've biult and still stand interesting and important in her eyes... In a perfect world, maybe I would get a few feet, a yard. In a perfect world I would be much more willing and she much less hurt, and that is the world I'm trying to create from scratch in every moment of softness these mornings can muster.
In every "I'm sorry", every "Goodbye", every "Thank you" she says so much more for herself than she can imagine. And I know what I can see in her eyes, her willingness to check the trains, to know when and where I may jump, to spot me while I demolish this wall is questionable. But without ever knowing, imagine all the beauty I could have wasted. How much happiness I could be over looking in my fear, imagine how badly I could be mis-reading her, for the better and not the worse. I adore her in a way I possibly shouldn't and right now I couldn't care less about the 11 o'clock train.
The question stands, can I date someone who is emotionally uninvolved in my life? Someone who I have almost no hope of ever feeling reciprocal love from, with good reason I suppose, but none the less disapointingly unreciprocal.
Trying to push myself past this idea has almost broken me. To be completely honest I don't want this woman to go anywhere, but on the other hand if she took off I would be relieved in a way I'm ashamed to admit. I'm sure that realization doesn't bother her, but it drives me insane. I don't want to feel like I can't do something. I'm fighting a losing battle everyday of my life, in more than one way. Life itself is a losing battle, but we don't just lay down in front of a train the day we're born in remorse for simply coming into being. So, in theory I should apply that concept here. I can't lay down and prepare for locomotion just because this is difficult.
The fact that I'm checking train schedules, makes me doubt my own passion, my own motivation. I'm in a way saying "When I signed up for this, you seemed willing (if not eager), interested and readable". Coming to find that she is none of those things (minus the occasional eager moment of interest) shouldn't ring my flight bell in the way it has. I've always said if you can't stand strong in your convictions then you shouldn't claim to believe them in the first place. I first and foremost believe in the beauty of life, of love, of loss... and all the nessasary pains and heartships that come with the privalage of breathing.
Over all the lack of ability to deal is a big stop gap. The world is full of this discusting amount of amazing things. There is never a dull, unappreciable moment in a life, everything that you are is everything that has happened to, around and in you. So, what has happened to me, around me, or in me to stop me... from letting this guard down? (I should also raise the question to myself, about whether or not this is particular to the situation I find myself in).
She has flattered me to no end. Telling me about things that no one else knows, and no matter how she makes it known that those happenings are "pertinent" to our thing, I still find myself flattered. She is amazingly gorgeous in so many ways and I enjoy every single quirk that comes up, every little OCD-esque moment is a tiny bit of wonderful (God knows I have enough of my own). I could listen to her talk for hours, about whatever she wanted to say, she grew up so far away from how I did, everything we've known is completely different. Her relationships in life, her past, everything is so poetic and strong, everything she does is so, stoic. (Who am I to try and stop that?). The question stands now: Can I live with it? Or better yet, is she at all willing to let me in that 10ft radius she's drawn around her heart? I don't know, and that is terrifying.
I'm train spotting as we speak, having been informed of my distracting presence in text messages, I find myself wondering about the harshness of her words and the sweetness of this morning's kiss goodbye. In the mornings when we wake up, she's so soft and open but only for a few moments and I swim in those, and revel in the fact that there is a tiny soft spot forming where the idea of my being lives in her. She finds small ways to tell me what she thinks, how she feels and sometimes I feel connected, which almost makes up for the other 80% of time I spend writhing with anticipation she'll turn to me and say "I just can't" and be gone.
I don't want her to go but I want her gone. I don't want to lose but I'm too afraid to fight. I don't want to give up because I would have to give in.
I cannot lose simply because I fear the idea of the fight.
If this is at all worth it, I have to give in. Now to find my footing, to find anything concrete in her cryptic actions and words, which I'm sure I'm making sound much less loving than they are. I know she cares in the way she is, the way she holds my hand the way she leans on me or tells me I'm crazy. She knows exactly how I feel, minus one tiny thing: I'm willing to let my guard down a bit, but I want anything in return. I need her to write me out an EOB, if I don't launch myself onto the tracks, I'll get this, this and this in return. I don't care what the reward is, a smile is enough. Just to know I can be free of this restricting wall I've biult and still stand interesting and important in her eyes... In a perfect world, maybe I would get a few feet, a yard. In a perfect world I would be much more willing and she much less hurt, and that is the world I'm trying to create from scratch in every moment of softness these mornings can muster.
In every "I'm sorry", every "Goodbye", every "Thank you" she says so much more for herself than she can imagine. And I know what I can see in her eyes, her willingness to check the trains, to know when and where I may jump, to spot me while I demolish this wall is questionable. But without ever knowing, imagine all the beauty I could have wasted. How much happiness I could be over looking in my fear, imagine how badly I could be mis-reading her, for the better and not the worse. I adore her in a way I possibly shouldn't and right now I couldn't care less about the 11 o'clock train.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Topping it off
"If they were intrested it wouldn't matter."
"Who needs oxygen?"
"I thought it was cute and saved it."
Why does she have to stand 15ft away and toss these little cute things my way. EERRRRG.
I worry too much. I have a good thing, now I'm off to not waste it. God.
"Who needs oxygen?"
"I thought it was cute and saved it."
Why does she have to stand 15ft away and toss these little cute things my way. EERRRRG.
I worry too much. I have a good thing, now I'm off to not waste it. God.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Ugh
Normally I don't let life get too frustrating but seriously.
Things that are sucking it up, right now(!):
1. Roommates who want to move to Russia
2. Dogs who are impossible to crate train.
3. Friends who come and go faster than rain in Ohio.
4. Relationships that seem they will stuck in neutral, forever.
5. My Mom crying on the phone.
6. OSU costing so damn much for basically nothing at all.
7. Working til 3:30 in the morning on Friday nights.
8. Bi-weekly paychecks.
9. Falling in love with someone who couldn't care less.
10. Being so damn unsure of myself 24/7/365.
Things that are sucking it up, right now(!):
1. Roommates who want to move to Russia
2. Dogs who are impossible to crate train.
3. Friends who come and go faster than rain in Ohio.
4. Relationships that seem they will stuck in neutral, forever.
5. My Mom crying on the phone.
6. OSU costing so damn much for basically nothing at all.
7. Working til 3:30 in the morning on Friday nights.
8. Bi-weekly paychecks.
9. Falling in love with someone who couldn't care less.
10. Being so damn unsure of myself 24/7/365.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Fun Times
I love lyrics. The way that some people write just blows my mind. I love the imagery in this song. ;)
It's been a long time, Guy Forsyth
It’s been a long (x13) time.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
When I was a kid I used to draw airplanes with stars and bars shooting down airplanes adorned with hammers and sickles.
I bought a hundred water guns so I could save the world, saving my lunch money and stealing my father’s quarters, dimes and nickels.
I discovered religion watching Luke Skywalker rescue princess Laeh and destroy the Death Star by just letting go and closing his eyes.
And I devoured comic books, three color mythologies taught me right and wrong and if you believe, you can fly.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
I remember listening to songs about trains and feeling the rush of wonder at the possibility that world was infinite and accessible all at the same time.
Then it was songs about highways, and “Born to be wild” and “Little Red Corvette” and the road went on forever in my mind.
But now it’s clogged bumper to bumper with stinkin’ SUVs and two story Pick-Up trucks that can drive over anything but the two story Pick-Up truck right in front of it.
Now even the highways look the same, Starbucks, 711’s and Wal-marts jam the feeder roads; we don’t live around this mess we live under it.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
Since I felt fine
Now all the songs are about gangsters and guns and the TV speeds by at 100 deaths per hour. And everyone wants to pull of the crime of the century.
Steal 200 ga-zillion dollars, enough to buy myself an island and build a real honest to God train on it for no one but me.
And get away with it, get away with it. We Americans are freedom loving people and nothing says freedom like getting away with it.
We went from Billy the Kid to Richard Nixon, Enron, Exxon, OJ Simpson, we used to dream about heroes but now its just about how to beat the system.
So where do we go to dream now, up onto the roofs of the projects straining through the city lights to see if they’ve built golden arches on the moon yet?
Self-medicated, half sedated trying our best to stay distracted, living life according to the TV set. Corporations, owning nations, telling us “Don’t change the station”; it’s the only safe way to win the Human Race.
I wonder how the world sees us. Rich beyond compare, powerful without equal; a spoiled drunk 15 year old waving a gun in their face.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
Since I felt fine.
Bare with me since I couldn't find those lyrics online anywhere. I typed them out myself. If anyone wants to hear the song, its on my iPod.
It's been a long time, Guy Forsyth
It’s been a long (x13) time.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
When I was a kid I used to draw airplanes with stars and bars shooting down airplanes adorned with hammers and sickles.
I bought a hundred water guns so I could save the world, saving my lunch money and stealing my father’s quarters, dimes and nickels.
I discovered religion watching Luke Skywalker rescue princess Laeh and destroy the Death Star by just letting go and closing his eyes.
And I devoured comic books, three color mythologies taught me right and wrong and if you believe, you can fly.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
I remember listening to songs about trains and feeling the rush of wonder at the possibility that world was infinite and accessible all at the same time.
Then it was songs about highways, and “Born to be wild” and “Little Red Corvette” and the road went on forever in my mind.
But now it’s clogged bumper to bumper with stinkin’ SUVs and two story Pick-Up trucks that can drive over anything but the two story Pick-Up truck right in front of it.
Now even the highways look the same, Starbucks, 711’s and Wal-marts jam the feeder roads; we don’t live around this mess we live under it.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
Since I felt fine
Now all the songs are about gangsters and guns and the TV speeds by at 100 deaths per hour. And everyone wants to pull of the crime of the century.
Steal 200 ga-zillion dollars, enough to buy myself an island and build a real honest to God train on it for no one but me.
And get away with it, get away with it. We Americans are freedom loving people and nothing says freedom like getting away with it.
We went from Billy the Kid to Richard Nixon, Enron, Exxon, OJ Simpson, we used to dream about heroes but now its just about how to beat the system.
So where do we go to dream now, up onto the roofs of the projects straining through the city lights to see if they’ve built golden arches on the moon yet?
Self-medicated, half sedated trying our best to stay distracted, living life according to the TV set. Corporations, owning nations, telling us “Don’t change the station”; it’s the only safe way to win the Human Race.
I wonder how the world sees us. Rich beyond compare, powerful without equal; a spoiled drunk 15 year old waving a gun in their face.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
It’s been a long (x13) time.
Since I felt fine.
Bare with me since I couldn't find those lyrics online anywhere. I typed them out myself. If anyone wants to hear the song, its on my iPod.
Friday, April 13, 2007
I've been Tagged
This is on my car. Its covered in stickers so I don't really care, but wow. I hardly even noticed it actually and I have no idea how long it's been there. Thats balls man. Hopefully I don't get shot while going to the W side, word.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Date 7
Date 7. Only 8 left.
Amazing.
How did I let her inside?
We're dripping of sweat, I'm feeling alright
Her lips were the last thing touched tonight
-It Hurts, Angels and Airwaves
Wordy Blunder
As I've said I don't understand dating. I can't fathom the reasons for the labeling, the subtle differences between the stat(i), the way people can even fucking do this... yes. So last night, I went over to the Ladies residence to watch House. We had dinner, we talked and laughed and over all we always have this amazing chemistry. Basically, I'm picking up what shes putting down and we do this well.
Seeing as the lady lives on a property with a barn she had to do the whole "get horses ready to sleep" thing; feed them, tell them a bity story and tuck them in. This has a time frame and with the begining of aformentioned frame of being coming up quickly, fate would find me very interested in only her and I would say she was feeling the same way.
That, is when it happened. It, it popped into my mind. That little phrase which has been wizzing around my mind since I was 5 and started looking for my Prince(ss) Charming. Have you ever had this happen? Now keep in mind we've only been "dating" (abhorent label) for about 2 weeks. This consists of like 8 dates and a few sleep overs. ;)
I've had a serious tendancy to say stupid things around this girl, so in warning I say "I have the stupidest thought in my head".
Curiosity peaking, she wants to know and we go back and forth for a while until I don't quite say it, but its there. Word explosion. I wanted to say "I think I could love you". As in the FUTURE tense, but in the panic it was assumed as a current thing, which in a way is true. I admire Sam for everything she is, everything she isn't and everything she will be someday. She is amazing and makes me feel alive in a definate and lovely way. But, I wouldn't consider this love, and there is a huge big looming yet to be put after that sentiment.
There is a slightly dumbfounded moment where her roommate comes home = conversation over. She tells me quickly that its an endearing thought and that I shouldn't be hurt. SHOULDN'T BE HURT? I threw myself WAY out there and got REJECTED. What is there other than hurt? She tells me that "I love you" isn't something she says, its just not. So trying to suck it up, I help her say g'night to the equine folks and she is normal, and kisses me, and talking to me, seems unphazed (dare I say flattered?). The girl in me just can't shut up so pushing the subject further I come to find that she's just as scared as I am, just as scared as I've been making known. So with a generalized terror amoung us, I begin second guessing staying the night, staying around... ego deflation is not something with which I deal well, at all.
She takes me out to see the horse I'm in love with. He is so sweet and comes up to the gate and chats with us letting me pet his nose. (I heart him!) Sam and I look at the stars, I tell her I'm leaving. She asks me to stay and I'm back to wondering what the hell is going on. I tell her I'm MORTIFIED. She calls me silly, brushes my hair away from my face, kisses me (in the most sincere way) and tells me not to be embarassed. This girl is so confusing.
Inside we lay down to go to bed and I have to keep talking it over. If I had been alone I would have driven my car all over Ohio smoking cloves and screaming at the moon. But instead, I was in a bed with someone I'm tres fond of, feeling foolish and very blue. She holding me, tells me just how okay it is. I cry in the typically girly style feeling alone, scared, lost and cherished all at the same time. Explaining herself isn't something Sam does with ease. It must be prompted and drug out. Which is fine, I like to dig and get to know someone, there is a great sense of adventure in unearthing someone.
She shares with me, which is amazing and tremedously out of character. She really is just as afraid as I am. She's afraid she's too damaged, too detached, I got the distinct feeling of terror at not being able to love. I ask her if this is dissapointing, she is truthful, and I am more truthful in return than I ever have been. I tell her I won't ever be less intense, less needy, less confused, she tells me that its those qualities she enjoys most.
I tell her that I want to get in. We talk about being in, we talking about falling and about my shame and her terror. I cry for the sheer unfairness of it all is too much to deal with. I want to give her back the ability to feel I say, she tells me she hopes I can, she likes my intensity. Admires how I can throw myself out there, I know I'll only live once and I have to make the most of everything. Even if its means mortifying myself and landing face down on the concrete.
So bloody lip and all we discuss past love, heartache, terror... truths. Milling over details about promises that could have never been kept, agreeing to never promise anything we can't come through on. I promise to never hurt her intentionally and she does the same, smiling. I feel a little better, she's not terrified and my word explosion didn't ruin anything. She wants me around, she wants to be around and she wants to see. Now, its up to me to fight and make her feel as much "good" as possible, and to hold her, and listen to her, and be there for her. We're trying in no uncertain terms.
Sleep really didn't come, last night was spent on more entertaining activities like chatting about my girliness and making out. And in the end Sam gave me something of herself last night, showed me a trust and endearment that goes far beyond words, even if they are those words considered to be the trifecta of life : I love you.
Seeing as the lady lives on a property with a barn she had to do the whole "get horses ready to sleep" thing; feed them, tell them a bity story and tuck them in. This has a time frame and with the begining of aformentioned frame of being coming up quickly, fate would find me very interested in only her and I would say she was feeling the same way.
That, is when it happened. It, it popped into my mind. That little phrase which has been wizzing around my mind since I was 5 and started looking for my Prince(ss) Charming. Have you ever had this happen? Now keep in mind we've only been "dating" (abhorent label) for about 2 weeks. This consists of like 8 dates and a few sleep overs. ;)
I've had a serious tendancy to say stupid things around this girl, so in warning I say "I have the stupidest thought in my head".
Curiosity peaking, she wants to know and we go back and forth for a while until I don't quite say it, but its there. Word explosion. I wanted to say "I think I could love you". As in the FUTURE tense, but in the panic it was assumed as a current thing, which in a way is true. I admire Sam for everything she is, everything she isn't and everything she will be someday. She is amazing and makes me feel alive in a definate and lovely way. But, I wouldn't consider this love, and there is a huge big looming yet to be put after that sentiment.
There is a slightly dumbfounded moment where her roommate comes home = conversation over. She tells me quickly that its an endearing thought and that I shouldn't be hurt. SHOULDN'T BE HURT? I threw myself WAY out there and got REJECTED. What is there other than hurt? She tells me that "I love you" isn't something she says, its just not. So trying to suck it up, I help her say g'night to the equine folks and she is normal, and kisses me, and talking to me, seems unphazed (dare I say flattered?). The girl in me just can't shut up so pushing the subject further I come to find that she's just as scared as I am, just as scared as I've been making known. So with a generalized terror amoung us, I begin second guessing staying the night, staying around... ego deflation is not something with which I deal well, at all.
She takes me out to see the horse I'm in love with. He is so sweet and comes up to the gate and chats with us letting me pet his nose. (I heart him!) Sam and I look at the stars, I tell her I'm leaving. She asks me to stay and I'm back to wondering what the hell is going on. I tell her I'm MORTIFIED. She calls me silly, brushes my hair away from my face, kisses me (in the most sincere way) and tells me not to be embarassed. This girl is so confusing.
Inside we lay down to go to bed and I have to keep talking it over. If I had been alone I would have driven my car all over Ohio smoking cloves and screaming at the moon. But instead, I was in a bed with someone I'm tres fond of, feeling foolish and very blue. She holding me, tells me just how okay it is. I cry in the typically girly style feeling alone, scared, lost and cherished all at the same time. Explaining herself isn't something Sam does with ease. It must be prompted and drug out. Which is fine, I like to dig and get to know someone, there is a great sense of adventure in unearthing someone.
She shares with me, which is amazing and tremedously out of character. She really is just as afraid as I am. She's afraid she's too damaged, too detached, I got the distinct feeling of terror at not being able to love. I ask her if this is dissapointing, she is truthful, and I am more truthful in return than I ever have been. I tell her I won't ever be less intense, less needy, less confused, she tells me that its those qualities she enjoys most.
I tell her that I want to get in. We talk about being in, we talking about falling and about my shame and her terror. I cry for the sheer unfairness of it all is too much to deal with. I want to give her back the ability to feel I say, she tells me she hopes I can, she likes my intensity. Admires how I can throw myself out there, I know I'll only live once and I have to make the most of everything. Even if its means mortifying myself and landing face down on the concrete.
So bloody lip and all we discuss past love, heartache, terror... truths. Milling over details about promises that could have never been kept, agreeing to never promise anything we can't come through on. I promise to never hurt her intentionally and she does the same, smiling. I feel a little better, she's not terrified and my word explosion didn't ruin anything. She wants me around, she wants to be around and she wants to see. Now, its up to me to fight and make her feel as much "good" as possible, and to hold her, and listen to her, and be there for her. We're trying in no uncertain terms.
Sleep really didn't come, last night was spent on more entertaining activities like chatting about my girliness and making out. And in the end Sam gave me something of herself last night, showed me a trust and endearment that goes far beyond words, even if they are those words considered to be the trifecta of life : I love you.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Emo at 21
Emo is like a thing of early teenaged angst and I realize this, but I can't help listen to it on a regular basis. It makes me feel a tiny bit a live again, like I have something to pissed about. My parents and their privacy issues, my siblings and their intolerance, my school mates and their lack of friendly attention.
Not in a "I'm going postal on your asses," kinda way, but in a I feel very okay about my life at the moment, and I just want a musical distraction, not a real one. People are constantly poking fun at Emo. The visual aspects are always fun to mock. Greasy skinny kids in jeans, with tattoos and body piercings, their black hair hanging in their eyes, using Sharpies to draw on their Chuck T's. Its like a modern day soft core punk wannabe convention, with A LOT more crying. The name, the bands, the sound. I always wonder why. I suppose anything out of range-normal is an easy target and these kids are anything but normal. They are feeling in ways that their parents never could have managed at their age. We've been a long time coming...
In The Breakfast Club, the character Allison says to the group who are seated on the floor of the library, "I'm thinking your heart dies as you get older". The question of "Who cares?" is offered and she responds vehenamently with "I do!". That right there, is the heart and soul of emo.
Its about kids not giving it up to become adults. Not giving up the ability to feel as they get older, not giving up on having fufillment like they did at 6. Growing oldering but not more ridgid and learning and becoming without forgetting. Its always good to keep your roots close, and that is what emo is doing. As children we are free to cry, free to hug, free to feel the same way in a group of 50, 5, or even just 1. We are a generation that is sure emotions are integrual to living and I'm positive we're right.
So next time you pass one of those emo kids on the street and you think about how odd they are, just consider the fact that its hard to live life with the emotional passion of 8, at 21. I know.
Not in a "I'm going postal on your asses," kinda way, but in a I feel very okay about my life at the moment, and I just want a musical distraction, not a real one. People are constantly poking fun at Emo. The visual aspects are always fun to mock. Greasy skinny kids in jeans, with tattoos and body piercings, their black hair hanging in their eyes, using Sharpies to draw on their Chuck T's. Its like a modern day soft core punk wannabe convention, with A LOT more crying. The name, the bands, the sound. I always wonder why. I suppose anything out of range-normal is an easy target and these kids are anything but normal. They are feeling in ways that their parents never could have managed at their age. We've been a long time coming...
In The Breakfast Club, the character Allison says to the group who are seated on the floor of the library, "I'm thinking your heart dies as you get older". The question of "Who cares?" is offered and she responds vehenamently with "I do!". That right there, is the heart and soul of emo.
Its about kids not giving it up to become adults. Not giving up the ability to feel as they get older, not giving up on having fufillment like they did at 6. Growing oldering but not more ridgid and learning and becoming without forgetting. Its always good to keep your roots close, and that is what emo is doing. As children we are free to cry, free to hug, free to feel the same way in a group of 50, 5, or even just 1. We are a generation that is sure emotions are integrual to living and I'm positive we're right.
So next time you pass one of those emo kids on the street and you think about how odd they are, just consider the fact that its hard to live life with the emotional passion of 8, at 21. I know.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Lesbian U-Haul 101
U-Haul lesbianism is certainly one of the more truthful stereotypes out there in the world of common knowledge. I know this from experience as a U-Haul sorta girl. I had my first in October of 2005 and after that ended (8 months) I had a few months of hit and miss, then another UH'er starting in November 2006 and ending on V day 2007. (Yes, I did break up with her on Valentines day. Eat me).
Now, I'm dating a marvelous lady named Sam. She's so normal and it knocks me on my ass. I'm a fucking mess in comparison. I'm sure of myself, I know what I can do and what I can't. But, to be honest I'm like the nightmare dater. I'm insecure with myself, and whether or not she "likes" me or what the fuck else you could possibly worry about. (Ok clearly I understand that she has to like me to want to date me, I know how insane I sound).
So, I have realized that I have no idea how to date.
Its mostly a waiting game yes? Where you just wait for something, anything, to happen?
You constantly wonder about yourself, what you're wearing, how you look... ?
HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS.
I'm having a SATC type conumdrum. I really want to keep doing this, but its requiring daily doses of Gaba (stress relief vitamins akin to herbal Xanax) and a lot of pep talking myself on door steps, outside of movie theaters and in passenger seats. Part of me is feeling lazy but the rest of me (30/70) is so happy about all this effort. But I can't help but wonder if this is all "normal"? Where did I miss out on Dating 101?
So, I'm assuming many people out there are wondering how you don't date like this. And that is exactly what I'm going to explain right now. Its especially easy with two woman considering we know exactly what the other wants (there are types of lesbians and some want differing things, but for the most part we enjoy a little wild passion followed by months of angry silence and finally a break up). I know everyone has met someone and wanted to steal them away from the world, and just know them and live them, and that is what Lesbian U-Hauling is really about. Getting to know her, more thoroughly than she knows herself, as fast as possible.
This kinda thing results in a lot of really strong emotions. They come on quick and easy and they stay strong and shocking for a while and although, they do eventually piddle off, the woman are too attached to notice (or have already started to become one another).
As I type this I realize how unhealthy all of it sounds, and it really is no good, but it feels good and right and when you're coming from a posistion of being "wrong" all the time (aka, morally wrong, biologically wrong etc) something so intense seems like all the proof the world would need that it should be considered okay. There have to be straight couples who have done this, yes? I have a feeling that they would last a bit longer, although looking at the divorce rates these days, maybe I'm wrong.
I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know how to date this girl. I don't want to give U-Haul a call yet because I know I shouldn't, not because I don't want to be engulfed by her. So, how do I get in there (if you will) without being insane? There isn't a course listing for Dating 101, but there should be. Damn.
Now, I'm dating a marvelous lady named Sam. She's so normal and it knocks me on my ass. I'm a fucking mess in comparison. I'm sure of myself, I know what I can do and what I can't. But, to be honest I'm like the nightmare dater. I'm insecure with myself, and whether or not she "likes" me or what the fuck else you could possibly worry about. (Ok clearly I understand that she has to like me to want to date me, I know how insane I sound).
So, I have realized that I have no idea how to date.
Its mostly a waiting game yes? Where you just wait for something, anything, to happen?
You constantly wonder about yourself, what you're wearing, how you look... ?
HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS.
I'm having a SATC type conumdrum. I really want to keep doing this, but its requiring daily doses of Gaba (stress relief vitamins akin to herbal Xanax) and a lot of pep talking myself on door steps, outside of movie theaters and in passenger seats. Part of me is feeling lazy but the rest of me (30/70) is so happy about all this effort. But I can't help but wonder if this is all "normal"? Where did I miss out on Dating 101?
So, I'm assuming many people out there are wondering how you don't date like this. And that is exactly what I'm going to explain right now. Its especially easy with two woman considering we know exactly what the other wants (there are types of lesbians and some want differing things, but for the most part we enjoy a little wild passion followed by months of angry silence and finally a break up). I know everyone has met someone and wanted to steal them away from the world, and just know them and live them, and that is what Lesbian U-Hauling is really about. Getting to know her, more thoroughly than she knows herself, as fast as possible.
This kinda thing results in a lot of really strong emotions. They come on quick and easy and they stay strong and shocking for a while and although, they do eventually piddle off, the woman are too attached to notice (or have already started to become one another).
As I type this I realize how unhealthy all of it sounds, and it really is no good, but it feels good and right and when you're coming from a posistion of being "wrong" all the time (aka, morally wrong, biologically wrong etc) something so intense seems like all the proof the world would need that it should be considered okay. There have to be straight couples who have done this, yes? I have a feeling that they would last a bit longer, although looking at the divorce rates these days, maybe I'm wrong.
I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know how to date this girl. I don't want to give U-Haul a call yet because I know I shouldn't, not because I don't want to be engulfed by her. So, how do I get in there (if you will) without being insane? There isn't a course listing for Dating 101, but there should be. Damn.
Monday, April 02, 2007
30 Words to Define Myself
1. Human
2. Alive
3. Artistic
4. Terrifying
5. Intense
6. Lost
7. Female (on occasion)
8. Lesbian (on occasion)
9. Ambiguous
10. Happy
11. Dog owner
12. Emo
13. Pot head
14. Day tripper
15. Medicated
16. Hostile
17. Flighty
18. Girly
19. Manly
20. Worldly
21. Passionate
22. Non PC
23. Vulgar
24. Sleepless
25. Antsy
26. Acoustic
27. Loud
28. Alone
29. Clumsy
30. Talkative
2. Alive
3. Artistic
4. Terrifying
5. Intense
6. Lost
7. Female (on occasion)
8. Lesbian (on occasion)
9. Ambiguous
10. Happy
11. Dog owner
12. Emo
13. Pot head
14. Day tripper
15. Medicated
16. Hostile
17. Flighty
18. Girly
19. Manly
20. Worldly
21. Passionate
22. Non PC
23. Vulgar
24. Sleepless
25. Antsy
26. Acoustic
27. Loud
28. Alone
29. Clumsy
30. Talkative
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